How to Love Your Military Spouse – Part One

As I stated in my post ‘How to Love Your Veteran – Intro’ I don’t want to focus only on the spouse without PTSD in the relationship because it quite frankly isn’t all on them. Like all relationships, effort is a two way street. To help me with this series I’ve recruited my husband, a Marine veteran with PTSD. I asked him to especially help me with the spouse with PTSD side of the table because, well, he’s the one sitting on it. So here are the unsparing words of wisdom from a combat veteran himself boys…

 

SAY YES TO COUNSELING…

First and foremost, get counseling. There is no shame in seeking out help from a professional. You yourself are a professional ass-kicker. A head shrink can’t do your job, so don’t try and do theirs. You know your head better than anyone else so be honest and wholly explain to them what’s going on in your hatrack and they will teach you how to get things under control. No one can promise it will be an easy process, but I promise it will be a worthwhile one.

 

EMBRACE THE FUNK…

You have to remember that civilians are ignorant. That’s not saying they are stupid, just simply that they did not go through the hell we did so they just flat out don’t stinking get it! They don’t understand why we have to sit facing the main entrance at a resturant, or why we’re constantly “looking around” instead of “listening” (which by the way..WE ARE LISTENING!). They don’t understand that we just need to make sure everyone and the situation are safe. We’re not checkin out other chicks or tuning our significant other out. We feel sorry for making them feel that way but if they had gone through what we did, they’d be doing the same thing. With that being said you cannot EXPECT civilians to understand, and getting frustrated about it will get you nowhere. The sooner you accept that fact the sooner you can move on with it. So Ass Kickers carry on. Do your thing. If it brings you even a little peace-of-mind while enjoying a dinner date with the wifey, then face the door.

 

COMMUNICATE!

Communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE! Tell your spouse what’s going on in your brain housing group. Again, they wont fully understand, but it’s a start. They can’t be supportive and good for you if they don’t know what’s going on. They do understand that things are not right with you now, that you are somehow different, but YOU have to make the first step forward. Don’t wait for your civilian counterpart. It is truly on you to be the leader first. Take charge of your mind, body, and family. Don’t be an asshole, but be an understanding leader that realizes they (your family) cannot understand anything unless we tell them what’s going on with us.

 

You can find an ever growing list of communication tips HERE!

You can also find tips for spouses of PTSD on the sister post ‘How to Love Your Veteran – Part One’!

Advertisements

How to Love Your Veteran – Part One

These first three are a few of the most important things to remember when loving your spouse with PTSD…

 

KNOW WHO THE BAD GUY IS…

A common problem between spouses in these situations is something so simple to fix, yet so many veteran marriages end in hate and divorce in large part for this reason. Blame. Blame is not a bad thing if you keep it focused on the right target, unfortunately so often couples begin to resent and blame each other for the struggles in their relationship. It can be difficult not to want to blame your spouse for what’s happened. Especially if your spouse says or does hurtful things out of anger or frustration, but you’ve got to remember they are struggling with something much more difficult than your average person. If you want to help and love your spouse you’ve got to remember who the bad guy is. It’s NOT your veteran. The good thing is it’s not hard to pick a better bad guy to blame…you can blame everything from the disorder itself, to the war, to the government who declared war. But don’t take it out on your husband, remember they didn’t ask for this, and they don’t want this any more than you do.

 

COMM-UN-I-CATE…

I’m no relationship expert but if I were asked what the most important thing in ANY relationship is I would yell COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION. It’s no differen’t here. If you or your spouse are not good communicators by nature then I’d advise pouring all your heart and soul into learning to be. Bad/Lack of communication is one of the top causes of broken relationships. It’s even more vital in a relationship involving PTSD, it can also be a lot harder. One of the most common struggles is that your veteran is not very open to communicate with you (or anyone). Either about his struggles and emotions or even just about anything when he’s dealing with issues in his head. As a supportive spouse you need to always stay hopeful and patient about this. The more you learn to support him better the more he’s going to trust and feel comfortable opening up to you. It can take a lot of time and patience but if you’re not already you may end up being the one person he can trust and open up to the most; it’s not always an easy job but it’s an important and humbling one. Communication covers such a mass variety of things I decided to write a post focusing on it specifically, you can read it here.

 

STAY POSITIVE…

Scientific studies have proven that if you force yourself to smile over and over when you’re sad or unhappy your brain will actually release the chemicals that make us happy, thus eventually turning that fake smile into a real one. It is amazing what kind of power our minds have over our bodies if we would just use it. No, no one can be 100% positive and bubbly all the time, but keep your mind set in the belief that the glass is always half full and you will be pleasantly surprised by the change in your life and those around you. It took me a long time to learn this lesson but I believe that happiness is a choice. A choice to stay positive and face life with our heads held high even through the worst of times. If you’ve ever heard the term ‘smiles are contagious’ then you also know happiness and positivity are contagious as well. By the same nature negative energy can bring everyone around you down. Your veteran is going to have a harder time sometimes being positive and happy, the negative energy from his struggle can in turn make it harder for you to stay positive and happy. But if you stay strong I promise your relentless positivety WILL carry over into his life and you will in turn BOTH be more relaxed, happier, and healthier.

 

You can now read the other end of the spectrum on my new post ‘How to Love Your Military Spouse – Part One’!

 

 

 

 

Just a little FYI…

…I just created a couple more pages containing and organizing previous posts so that they are easier to find and don’t fall through the cracks. Maybe one of these days I’ll upgrade my WordPress and make my blog more customized but for now I think this makes it a little better….So feel free to check them out if you haven’t been following my blog for long or seen some of my previous posts I think you might like them and always love feedback! Have a blessed day all!

A Man’s Best Friend..

rhgh

I adopted my dog Ranger as a puppy about 3 years ago from the OKC shelter. He’s been absolutely AMAZING. I’ve never had to have him on a leash, he’s protective but not dangerous to be around people, loving, and incredibly smart. I can literally take him for a stroll through a busy mall off leash and never have to worry about him leaving my side. Anyways, sorry had to brag on my baby for a minute.

My husband and him have bonded really well since we met 2 years ago, they’re best buddies. One time in college I had him in my car when I forgot I had a test to take in one of my classes that afternoon. My husband was on campus too and it was too hot to leave him in the car so we asked my husband’s professor if he could hangout for just the one class period. So they snuck him in the back door and my husband took him to his history class. He did great of course, despite the girls cooing and loving all over him.

We’d already thought about trying to make Ranger a service/therapy dog but mostly just because we wanted to be able to take him everywhere with us (classes, shopping, ext) and since my husband has disability we thought hey why not? We might be able to get away with it. After my husband took Ranger with him to class though we learned that having Ranger around actually DID help. My husband has a problem with large crowds, sometimes it can be very debilitating and some days he literally just cant be around anyone. Classrooms have never really been a huge issue or anything but no matter where my husband is he’s gonna be hyper aware and at least a little anxious.

Having Ranger with him in class actually made him feel abnormally calm for that kind of situation. I know they use therapy and service dogs for veteran’s with physical disabilities as well as PTSD. They even have a few programs out there that link the dogs with the Veterans. So now we are really looking into trying to make him a therapy dog for my husband. We could of course just go ahead and get the vest off line but I’d feel more comfortable with an actual certification, just in case. My husband may have to go back to the VA and have them officially qualify him for one as well but that shouldn’t be a problem since he’s 60%. I can’t wait to see how having Ranger with him at all times might help prevent panic attacks in large crowds such as state fairs and Church, or maybe even help motivate him to go places he’d otherwise avoid.

For many men and women coming home with PTSD a dog can help not just calm them down but make them feel like they aren’t failing everyone around them. Sometimes even when we don’t try to make our spouses feel this way they feel like a burden on their families. They can feel like they are always messing up or failing them. A dog however is always happy to see you despite any kind of stress going on. A dog can also help motivate a veteran (or even a spouse or child) to keep-on-keepin-on. After all, a dog’s gotta be fed, walked, and played with. It could even help with physical therapy. Say a soldier needs to continue walking on his/her new prostetics or a healing injury, or exercise daily to keep blood flowing..a dog can help motivate that soldier to do so.

In the future I think it would be really cool to start a program where we rescue dogs from pounds/shelters/streets and make them therapy/service and/or just good pets for veterans, military personnel, and their family. I’m curious what all of you think? If you are a veteran, spouse, child or military yourself do you think it would be beneficial to your spouse to have a dog companion? Or for you and your kids to have a dog while your husband/wife is away? I’m thinking sometimes it may even just make the spouse more comfortable when they’re deployed knowing that there is a dog at home that can protect his/her family.

I may be dreaming a little for the stars here but I would love to be able to send or take dogs to miltary hospitals and veteran’s retirement homes myself just for a little animal therapy.

Please let me know what you think and spread the word to any other veterans or family members you know! I’d love as many opinions as possible.

“People always …

Quote

“People always call me a hero, I’m no hero. To me a hero is someone who will take a stand for what is right. Whether it helps or hurts.” – Edward E. Vezey Jr, 93 year old WWII veteran, anti aircraft gunner on the USS Oklahoma and Pearl Harbor survivor

Moral Of The Story Is…

I wanted to share a little something that doesn’t necessarily have to do with my husband’s PTSD, but more to do with his feelings on losing his dream. Many veteran’s who were forced out due to injury or something else honorable may feel the same way. Before his knee injury in Iraq he planned on being a lifer in the Corp.

First a little background..Before I met my husband I fell for another man in the Marine Corp. I was a senior in high school and it was my first “true love”. He was a couple years older than me and also a grunt (infantryman) in the Corp. I’m not gonna get into the details of our relationship but we dated for about a year, and stayed pretty good friends afterward to this day. The biggest difference between him and my husband is that he hated the corp, and my husband loved it. He wasn’t a shitbird, he did his job, and he did it well. But his heart was never in it, he was a pretty negative person all around. My husband on the other hand loves the corp to this day, he never complained about it, was a great Marine, and misses it everyday.

So to the story..

Last night I received a text message from my ex, which isn’t anything out of the ordinary. Like I said we are friends, we still talk, and he just got out of the corp and has been dealing with the transition back into the civilian world. My husband and I have a pretty awesome line of communication in our relationship and he knows that I am still friends with him. He saw the message pop up on my phone and handed it to me..

“You got a text from Zach,” he said, an ever so slight look of disgust on his face. He always had a little bit of something in his expression when he said my ex’s name. Anger maybe, resentment? Whatever it was was very very discrete, I wasn’t even sure I was seeing it. But we had talked about my and my ex in the past and my husband has always said he was ok with me talking to him.

Don’t worry this story isn’t going where you think it is..

I was curious so I asked him..

“Babe..I know I’ve asked you this before but does it bug you at all that I talk to my ex?”

“No baby, it really doesn’t,” He seemed genuine enough.

“Well I just notice something in the way you say his name sometimes..I know you probably don’t like him..”

“No baby, I really don’t mind that you talk to him. That doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t like him because he’s a whiny bitch..he doesn’t know what I would do to have back what he hated so much,” he replied simply. He wasn’t angry, or even sad, just to the point.

“If I sound short or angry or something when I say his name it’s not because I don’t like you talking, trust me I would tell you that baby, I just don’t have any respect or time for guys like him.”

He went on to talk more about how it makes him feel when people complain or give up what he had. I’ve seen it tear him apart before, I see how losing his dream and having to build a new identity left a deep scar on his soul. It made him stronger in many ways but it’s also something he’ll have to think about for the rest of  his life. To hear someone complain and throw away the opportunity to take advantage of the many experiences and bonds that the military can bring them is basically an insult to him.

He’s told me before and he told me again, “The military is what you make of it. Most of life is.” He told me about the differen’t veterans he’d seen who were just like my ex. They always regret it. Not right away, maybe not even the first 5 years they’re out, but eventually they will regret not trying to enjoy their military time. They will meet another vet who loved the Corp (or Army, Airforce, ext.) and when they ask them why? their answer will be, “Because I chose to make it a good experience.”

Something my husband has always taught me is that you can always find the positive in everything you go through in life. There’s a reason for everything, and you don’t want to look back and regret not experiencing all the things you could have been enjoying while you were complaining and/or wallowing in self pity.

Moral of the story is…for many of the situations you may find yourself hating, there’s always someone else who would give up everything to have what you have.

 

FYI: the names in this post have been changed for privacy.